I think of every possible outcome in every situation. Sometimes this goes to extremes, to fantasies that never happen.
It’s part of my control. I need to have control, to have understanding. I strive for understanding every day. About everything.
W and I saw each other last week. We had dinner and we had sex. I was consumed by her. We spoke for hours. I had missed her.
In the week that came, a lot changed.
Firstly her boyfriend forgave her. But with a twist, she was allowed to see other people.
First of all this turned us both on. But I feared that this was just the start.
The next day things were different. He didn’t want us to see each other any more.
W said she would make sure I was kept in her life. I was skeptical. It wasn’t on the cards.
It turns out I was right. I had seen this all in my head. I knew it would all happen this way.
I’m always the other guy. Oddly enough this is the fourth time the actual guy is named her boyfriend’s name. It’s a co-incidence not wasted on me. God I hate that name.
I feel a fool. I feel sad, I feel low. But that’s just an initial feeling. Why I have that feeling is more interesting.
I had started to adore and love her. Or a feeling close to it. That wasn’t in the plan. She opened me up. She allowed me to be me, but also to be accepted. I felt free. I felt at home. We shared many things. Many similarities. I shall have to remember the smiles, the laughter, her voice. Her body and curves. Her face when I knew she wasn’t tell me what she was thinking.
What next. I don’t know. A part of me thinks that the final email she sent me wasn’t her. It seemed cold, it wasn’t W. Perhaps under some sort of pressure. But at the same time, I had predicted this. I had seen this.
I’m a scary judge of a situation.